Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
My feet surprised me
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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