I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
