somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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