they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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