please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
