I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
