true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
