it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
