she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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