I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Randomize
