the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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