was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
