i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
