I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
