When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
OPIZZABONMYDICK
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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