from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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