Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
