i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
