That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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