I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
