If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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