just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
