Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
