I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Randomize
