I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
