So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Randomize
