Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
