the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Randomize
