i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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