We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
