Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
