Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
