i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
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