when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Randomize
