I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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