Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
