if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Randomize
