Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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