i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
