i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
