I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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