i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize