The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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