im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
