You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
