I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
