I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Randomize
