pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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