I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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