i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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