College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
50% drunk capacity currently
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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