if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
