my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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