just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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