My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
