life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
