Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
