If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
