i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
