i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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