I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
